Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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