this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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