I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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