A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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