My room smells like vodka and shame
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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