He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
