Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
