I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
