I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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