Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
