I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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