i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
