You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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