the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize