Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
