i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
