Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
