I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
