Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I still have a little drunk in my system
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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