wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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