when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
