remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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