final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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