What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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