I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
