My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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