I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
