Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize