Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
