pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize