my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
