I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
