Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
