Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
