i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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