on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
