Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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