I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
