We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
