everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
