I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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