my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
