If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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