I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
