I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
