your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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