So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
