clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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