Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
