RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
