im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
