I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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