Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
