I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
