apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
