How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
