Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
