There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
