there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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