god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
