seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
