Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
