Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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